Do I want to talk about memories? Overcoming trials? Moving on? The story itself?
Well today I decided I'm going to hit it all.
Bear with me.
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When I was eight years old, my father was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Being a mere eight year old, I had little to no idea of what that was. All I was concerned about was my baptism and the cute boys in my second grade class. We went and visited dad in the hospital, but he came home soon and still worked at Callaway Golf.
Things were going great. Things were getting better.
Flash forward 5 years. I'm thirteen, the braces are gone, and I'm rocking my private-middle-school uniform (jokes). Just prior to me turning thirteen, my mom and dad told my little brother and I that my dad wasn't getting any better, nor would he ever get better. The cancer had moved from his kidney to his lungs and was terminal. It was my eight grade year that he passed away. I was just thirteen when he left my family.
November 19th, 2007.
I remember the morning my mom told my little brother and I that my dad had passed away.
She woke me up and asked me to come into my brother's room. She sat in front of us on his bed and told us how dad had passed away in his sleep and that various people were going to come by that day to pay their respects.
My immediate thought was "Okay, when's mother's day? when's mom's birthday? Dad always took care of those days…"
I knew right off the bat that things were going to try to change, and I couldn't let that happen. We needed consistency. I needed consistency.
A few weeks after the funeral, my brother was signed up for soccer (without my dad as a coach), I was back in softball (with no father to yell embarrassing things to me at my games), and my mother had taken up running.
We all moved on fast.
We just did it. We just went on with life because we knew we couldn't slow down.
Now, I'm halfway through college, my brother is halfway through high school, my sister has 4 kids, and my mother runs half marathons for fun. We're doing really well, actually. We've become very close. My brother is my best friend. My mom is probably the only person who well ever truly know how to handle and understand me. My sister is an absolute role model.
It is hard though.
When I was around 11 or 12, I was not cute. I was chubby, literally had a boy's haircut, and due to my private school's rules, wasn't allowed to wear makeup.
You bet your buttons I got made fun of.
This was was all happening when my dad was really sick. He wasn't someone I could honestly talk to anymore. His mind was slowing leaving his body.
Because of that, I had no dad to tell me I was his beautiful daughter.
I didn't have a dad to hug me tight and tell me "It's okay, Hannah. The boys just say that cause they like you!" or "What do you mean no one asked you to dance? They're just nervous!"
I never had a dad to see me perform on stage.
I never had a dad at my high school graduation.
I never had a dad help me choose which college to attend,
or help me pack everything up and move.
My dad won't be at my college graduation.
My dad won't be there to approve the men I date.
My dad won't be at my wedding.
My dad won't hold my children.
My future family will never know him as he was in this life.
It makes me so sad to think of all the people who missed out on meeting Doug Krueger. I hope that through me, they can see his light. I hope that they will get to know him from my actions and mannerisms. Then, maybe when we all get to heaven & when they meet my dad, it will be like they always knew him.
Through my dad's passing, I became very close to my Heavenly Father. Every night before bed, I would close my eyes and imagine God and me sitting together. I would tell Him about my day. What I accomplished, what I could improve on, fun moments, etc. I was just talking to my Dad. My Heavenly Dad.
Heavenly Father became more than just someone to pray to. He became someone I came to when I had questions. Someone who's actions I trusted. Someone who I knew cared about me.
I am not bitter this Father's Day. I am not sad nor scared. I am reminiscent and thankful.
Without my dad, I would have never been placed into the most wonderful family. I would not have had all the joyful camping, father-daughter dance, and baseball game memories without him. He did amazing things for me and taught me so much just within 13 years. He has taught me to love my family and to do the right thing. He has shown me that I am loved, both my those on earth and those in heaven. I am thankful for him. I cannot wait to see him again.
Genesis 28:15
And, behold, I am with thee and will keep thee in all places
wither thou goest,
and will bring thee again into this land;
for I will not leave thee…
Alma 38:5
…As much as ye shall put your trust in God
even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials,
and your troubles,
and your afflictions,
and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.
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